


Two Steps On the Water

by carolinecrane



Series: Retrograde [11]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-08
Updated: 2004-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6307927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has their breaking point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Steps On the Water

He takes his time getting to Tim's place after work. And he knows it's stupid to make them both wait just because he's still mad, but there's a tiny part of him that wants Tim to wonder if he's going to show up after all.

When he finally does get there he's still not sure what he's going to say. The easiest thing would be to pretend the whole scene in the break room never happened; he could make it into a joke, laugh it off like it's no big deal that Tim's afraid someone will find out about them.

Or.

He could finally ask the question, the one that's been hanging over them since this thing started. Part of him wants to; part of him thought about doing it right in front of Delko. Just for a second he thought about turning around and asking Tim if he wanted to go out with Delko and Calleigh, just to see what he'd do. And he'd never go through with it – he wouldn't just out Tim like that, wouldn't do that to anybody. But it's hard sometimes not to push, even though he knows it probably means pushing Tim away.

He's not perfect. He's patient, and most of the time he understands where Tim's coming from. He knows all about what it must be like to be in the spotlight all the time, to be part of Horatio Caine's team of star criminal investigators, knows it's a lot different than his job behind the scenes where nobody ever sees him. But he's not perfect, and even though he understands he's pretty sure he can't live like this forever.

And he doesn't really want much – he doesn't think so, anyway – but he's afraid to ask for it because he doesn't know if Tim will give it. He doesn't know if Tim _can_ , and that's something else they don't talk about. If he'd known how hard it was going to be to be in love with Tim Speedle…but it's easy to say that now, and he knows if he'd been able to see the future on that first night he'd still be standing on Tim's doorstep right now.

He's laughing at himself when Tim opens the door, looking confused for a second before he blinks it away and steps aside to let Tyler in. "Hey."

"Hey," Tyler echoes, glancing over his shoulder at Tim as he slides his jacket off. And evidently he's decided to go the coy route – his usual approach is a little more direct, but when Tim glances down at the baseball shirt he's still wearing and swallows a little harder than necessary Tyler decides he's made the right choice.

He turns away long enough to hang his jacket up, taking his time while he tries to decide on the best approach to the conversation he knows they have to have. When he finally looks up again he finds Tim watching him, expression as intense as it is unreadable, and Tyler would give anything to be able to read him just once.

Sometimes he thinks his life would be easier if he'd fallen for Sam. Hell, his life would be easier if he was in love with Delko – at least then he'd know where he stood.

"I was starting to think maybe you'd changed your mind and gone out with Delko."

It's hard to tell whether that's supposed to be a joke or if Tim really was worried, but suddenly Tyler feels like a complete bastard. And he hates himself for letting Tim make him feel guilty, but it's not like he's ever _said_ that he needs more than what they've got. "Yeah, sorry. I had some errands to run on my way over."

The lie makes him feel even more guilty, because it's small, but it's still a lie. And he knows Tim can't read his mind, but sometimes it feels like he can. He's frowning at Tyler, anyway, and Tyler has to look away and take a deep breath before he continues.

"We should talk." He knows before he says it how Tim's going to react, so he's not surprised when Tim tenses and takes a step backwards. Already he's putting space between them, and that can't be a good sign.

"About what?"

And this is all Delko's fault, really, because if he'd just handled his love life on his own and left them out of it they wouldn't be having this conversation. In fact, they probably wouldn't be talking at all, because he knew when he put this shirt on that Tim was going to want to take it right back off again as soon as they were alone. That's the whole reason he dug it out of the back of his closet, and if he'd kept his mouth shut they might be on their way to the bedroom right now.

But they're going to have to talk about it sooner or later, and he'd rather have this conversation with his clothes on. At least he thinks he would. Then again, distracting Tim with sex might have made this easier, and he wishes he'd thought of that before he said anything.

"About what we're doing."

It's the only way to have this conversation; just say it and get it out there, like pulling off a Band-aid. Knowing that doesn't make him feel any better when Tim flinches, though, and there's a part of him that knows this shouldn't be so hard. He knows there's a reason it is, but he doesn't know _what_ , and suddenly that seems really unfair. Like Tim's the one with all the cards, and Tyler's just waiting for him to decide how he wants to play his hand.

"I thought that was pretty obvious," Tim says, arms crossed over his chest and Tyler has to fight the urge to reach over and pull them open again. He's pretty sure touching Tim at all would be a bad idea right now, because it's tempting enough to forget the entire conversation without distracting himself with those hands and that mouth.

"You know what I mean. I like you, and I get the feeling it's mutual. But I've been out for a long time, and if that bothers you…"

"It doesn't," Tim interrupts, and Tyler wonders if he really believes that or if he's just saying what Tyler wants to hear. "If this is about Delko…"

"It's about us," Tyler says. Because Delko started it, but he doesn't have anything to do with what happens next. "Look, Delko's your friend, right? So how long do you think it's going to take him to start asking questions you can't avoid?"

"It's none of his business," Tim answers, and Tyler tells himself he was expecting the defensiveness. "Look, just because I didn't tell him about us…I'm not hiding anything. I just like to keep my personal life separate from work."

Tyler wants to laugh at that, fights the urge and loses, his mouth twitching into an involuntary grin. "So should I be looking for a new job?"

"That's not what I meant," Tim says just a little too fast. And he's not actually thinking about going out and finding another job, but sometimes he thinks it might make things easier. At least that way he wouldn't have to see Tim during the day and pretend they don't mean anything to each other. As far as everyone at work knows they're not even friends, and Tyler didn't think it bothered him until that moment in the break room with Delko. "It's not like I'm hiding anything from anybody. If I thought Eric needed to know about my personal life, I'd tell him."

He doesn’t believe that – he's pretty sure Tim doesn't either, not really – and he knows if he lets it go he'll regret it later. "Okay, but what about your other friends? What about your family?"

"I don't really talk to my family." Tim looks away and it takes everything in Tyler not to ask, but he knows if he does Tim will find a way to change the subject anyway. And that conversation can wait, because if the next few minutes don't go the way he hopes it might not matter why Tim doesn't talk to his parents.

"Look, Tim, I'm not asking for a commitment here." _Liar,_ a voice inside his head whispers, but he ignores it and forces out the rest of the speech before he can change his mind. "We have a good time together, right? If that's all this is, okay. I just want to know one way or the other."

A few seconds of silence stretch into long moments, and Tyler's pretty sure he just ruined everything. He's been telling himself all afternoon that it's worth the risk, that he has a right to know where he stands, but now that it's out there he wishes he hadn't said anything. Tim's still not saying anything, and Tyler's starting to think he's not going to. He's not sure if he should leave or if he should just keep standing there until Tim makes him go. He's never really thought of himself as the type who refuses to take a hint, but he's done a lot of things for Tim that he wouldn't do for most people.

"What do you want me to say?"

The sound of Tim's voice kicks his heart back into gear, and he didn't even realize until Tim spoke that he wasn't breathing. And it's not the answer he was hoping for, but at least it's _something_.

"Nothing," he answers. Just another in a long string of half-truths, and he's turning out to be a pretty good liar. What he wants to hear is that Tim wants this too, that he's willing to do whatever Tyler needs to make this work. He knows better than to hope for that much, though, so he just shrugs and takes a few steps forward. "Just think about it, okay? I'll get out of your way, give you some time to think."

This isn't how he wants this to end – he doesn't want it to end at all, but he can't take any of it back now. He can't make it all into a joke or distract Tim with sex or even talk his way out of it, because he said too much and now Tim knows. He might as well have said 'I love you', because now he's never going to get the chance. He considers it for a second before he realizes what he's doing, carefully avoiding eye contact as he steps around Tim.

He's halfway to the door when a hand reaches out to stop him, Tim's fingers warm against his skin even through his shirt. "Wait."

A second ticks by in slow motion, then another and Tim's still holding on to him, so he turns back slowly and forces himself to look up. It's no easier to read Tim now than it was when he first got here – even harder, maybe, because there's a lump in his throat and he's having a little trouble remembering how to breathe.

"Just…just wait a second," Tim says, frustrated, and Tyler clamps down hard on the little flutter of hope as he watches Tim search for the words to say whatever he's thinking. "You don't have to go."

"Tim…" And that's as far as he gets, because he has no idea what he's supposed to say. He knows he should go, that he should finish what he started, give Tim time to decide what he wants before they go any further. Only it feels like they've already made the commitment, and the conversation is just a formality. It's just the words Tim has a hard time with, and suddenly Tyler feels selfish for forcing him to say them.

"Stay," Tim says, his grip tightening like he's afraid maybe Tyler's going to put up a fight, and when he feels those fingers flexing hard against him he knows exactly how hard this is for Tim. "I want you to stay. Please."

He'd never admit it out loud, but it's the 'please' that gets him. To anyone else it would sound insincere, like Tim just tacked it on to the end of his sentence because he thought being polite might get him what he wants, only Tyler knows him well enough to know he means it. He knows how hard this is for both of them, that it's taking as much for Tim to ask him to stay as it would have taken him to leave.

There's a tiny part of him that's a little disgusted by how easily he gives in, but Tim's pulling him close and when that mouth presses against his he can't bring himself to care that he's easy. Not if it gets him this: Tim's mouth moving against his, tongue forcing his lips apart and Tim's hands pushing under his shirt like he can't get close enough.

They make it as far as the couch, clothes marking their trail across the room and he lets Tim push him back onto the cushions the way he's done countless times before. It's familiar, but it feels different somehow, charged with something new that he doesn't let himself put a name to. Thinking like that is dangerous when Tim's mouth is moving on his neck, when Tim pushes inside him and he's so lost in sensation that he doesn't know what he's saying out loud.

And he can't believe he was two seconds from walking out on this. He wonders how long it would have taken him to turn back, to knock on Tim's door again and tell him it doesn't matter, that he doesn't care what they call it as long as they don't stop doing it. He wonders how much like 'I love you' that would have sounded, laughing against Tim's mouth at the thought because he's pretty sure that part's obvious by now. He's not ready to try out the words, though; he's not that brave, because if he's wrong and Tim doesn't love him back they'll be right back where they started.

Instead he kisses Tim again, hard and surging up to pull Tim deep inside him, moaning against Tim's mouth when a hand slides between them to close around his cock. It's safe to murmur the words against Tim's skin, at least, so he buries his face in the crook of a warm neck and presses hot kisses to hotter skin. He hears his name a second before Tim comes, grip tightening on Tyler and that's all it takes to bring him over the edge.

For a long time they lie tangled together, pressing lazy kisses to whatever skin they can reach while they catch their breath. He knows sex isn't the answer to all the questions he still hasn't asked; sex is the one thing they get right without any second-guessing, after all, and maybe this is just Tim's way of avoiding the rest of their conversation. And he's not proud of the fact that he's willing to let Tim get away with it, but his weight feels good pressing Tyler into the couch, and they'll have plenty of time to talk later.


End file.
